Getting a permanent tattoo on your dick usually isn’t a great idea. The delicate, folded layers of skin and bounty of nerve endings can make it quite a painful challenge to ink, and the results might be underwhelming at best. “You may be thinking of getting a nice banana,” says Lorenzo Kunze Sr., a seasoned laser aesthetic professional who’s been in the industry for nearly 50 years. “And then when you get it done, it looks more like a fig.”

Many men who regret getting their dicks inked eventually find themselves, head down, in a laser tattoo removal studio. But, what’s in store for them there may actually be worse than living with that wilted fig. “I will say that 50 percent of the guys that come in to get laser tattoo removal on the penis area do one zap and they’re like, ‘Nah, I’m done,’” says Lorenzo Kunze Jr., lead instructor and owner of the International Laser Academy and co-owner of Inkless Tattoo Removal.

But there are still those few who believe the jaw-clenching pain is worth the gain (or, in this case, loss). At the very least, as Inkless Tattoo Removal co-owner and laser removal expert Jeff Garnett explains, the light at the end of the tunnel is knowing that your dick should work just fine after the ink is gone (the same goes for tattoo removals on all genitalia).

And luckily, removing genital tattoos is pretty easy — at least, for the person holding the laser. Dick tats are typically pretty light (i.e., not much ink is needed on such delicate and thin skin), and both Kunze and Garnett say designs in the region tend to be simple. Besides, that’s an area blessed with good circulation, which helps in the healing process.

In the ‘90s, when laser tattoo removals first became popular, those with a regrettable tat in a very private area would have to suffer through 20 or more treatments to get their genitals squeaky clean. Today, Kunze Sr. says it’s probably more like six to eight treatments. “That’s pretty average for any removal session — unless there’s a lot of color.” (Color is more difficult to get rid of, and yellow hues are almost impossible to laser off.)

Either way, the Kunzes and Garnett have seen some pretty crazy genital tattoos in their time. Here are the absolute wildest ones they’ve removed over the years…

The Vengeful Ex-Girlfriend

“This guy comes in, clean cut, wearing a suit, no visible tattoos — and he's nervous,” Garnett tells me. “He’s rocking back and forth, sweating. I’m like, ‘Can I see your tattoo?’

“And he goes, ‘Well, there’s a story. I’m dating this chick, I cheated on her, and I got caught. She was leaving me, and I said to her, ‘Please give me one more chance. How can I prove to you that I’ll never be with another woman again?’ And she said, ‘Tattoo my name on your dick.’ So I called around and found a place in some other state that would do it and got this girl’s name tattooed on my junk. I came back, and was like, ‘Here, I got it done!’ And she goes, ‘Fuck you. Now you’re stuck with my name on your dick for the rest of your life.’

“I was speechless — and I’m a talker.”

The Cereal Enthusiast

“One of the wildest ones I’ve ever seen was Tony the Tiger coming out of a lady’s butthole,” says Kunze Jr. “Tony had his thumb up with a speech bubble saying, ‘That’s gggggreat.’ At the time, I was working with my father, Lorenzo Sr., and it was probably one of the funniest father-son moments we’ve ever had.”

The Knights Wannabe

“Some guys — it’s definitely a guy thing — get a sword on their penis, placed downwards,” says Kunze Sr.

Dungeons & Dragons

“This guy had a surgery done down there, and he had a scar,” says Garnett. “He tried to cover up the scar with some kind of stars, but then he didn’t like that and was embarrassed by it. So then he got a big dragon and made the tail go over his penis.”

The Growers

“We’ve had guys that had stuff written on them so that when they’d get aroused, it’d become a longer word,” says Kunze Jr.

The Wild Fauna Connoisseurs

“We had a couple that came in, and the girl had a ram’s head tattooed right above her vagina,” says Garnett. “It said, ‘Ram it.’ She came in with her boyfriend, and he was like, ‘I want to propose to her, but I can’t do it while she has that ‘ram it,’ because every time I see it, I start thinking about how many people have rammed it.’”

The Boundary Queen

“There was a young lady who came in and had ‘exit only’ tattooed above her anal area,” Kunze Sr. says.

The Reformed Religious Woman

“A student of mine messaged me to ask for advice on a removal,” says Kunze Jr. “She was like, ‘I don’t know what to do. Can I send you a photo? It’s going to be a very sensitive photo, but I need to know how to do this.’ So she sent me the photo, and the lady in question had Jesus Christ tattooed above her vagina with her pubic hair as his bearded mustache.”

The Satanic Version

“This lady had the devil’s face tattooed on her vaginal area, and his goatee was her pubic hair,” says Kunze Sr.

The Project Manager

“One guy had a tattoo on the side of his penis, and it read, ‘This end up,’” says Kunze Sr.

The Reptilian

“I had one guy who had an Axolotl tattooed on the tip of his penis, and it just looked like a black and gray, really realistic lizard,” says Kunze Jr.

The Misunderstood Artists

“Some guys just doodle on their penis,” says Kunze Sr.

The Shittiest One of All

“Another guy had a squatting man taking a poop tattooed above his anal area. And of course, the poop was where his butthole was,” says Kunze Sr.