15 Norm Macdonald Highlights & Best Jokes

Neill Lynskey Published Yesterday in Funny

The funniest wordsmith of the last thirty years lives on through his jokes.

Norm Macdonald was a comedian who perfected the tight one-liner, as well as hilariously - painfully - long stories. Norm was infamously fired from Saturday Night Live for making jokes about the O.J. Simpson murder trial, but he continued bringing his sharp comedic voice to audiences through stand up, talk show appearances, and the shows he created and starred in.

Relive some of his best jokes about dogs, national tragedies, OJ, and all the other topics that bonced through this maniac's head.

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1. “Laughter is the best medicine — unless you have diarrhea.”
— Norm Macdonald Live
2. “I never liked the phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ What if it’s a book called ‘How to Skin a Puppy’ with a picture of a guy skinning a puppy?”
— Norm Macdonald Has a Show
3. “I once walked in on my parents dong it. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.”
– Norm Macdonald Live
4. “They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. But if the horse is dehydrated enough, he’ll probably figure it out.”
– "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011
5. “When I hear a guy went to rehab, I go, ‘Rehab? He’s just going to quit?’”
— "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011
6. “They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.”
Weekend Update, SNL
7. “OJ Simpson was in court this week. The defense played the ‘race card,’ while the prosecution countered with the ‘murder card.’”
– Weekend Update, SNL
8. “ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for I, and D is short for dentification.”
— "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011
9. “OJ is writing a book. It’s called, ‘If I Did It, Here's How I Would’ve Done It.' That’s like Hitler writing, ‘If I Invaded Poland…’”
— Weekend Update, SNL
10. "On 9/11 I walked through blood and bone in the streets of Manhattan trying to find my brother. He was in Northern Canada."
- Norm MacDonald Live
11. “I saw a sign that said, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ And I thought, ‘That’s a little harsh for a funeral home.’”
– "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011
12. “You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.”
— Norm Macdonald Live
13. “I don’t believe in astrology, but I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
- Norm on Conan
14. “I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade. I could use a new watch.’”
- Norm MacDonald: Nothing Special
15. “O.J. Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’”
– Weekend Update, SNL

1. “Laughter is the best medicine — unless you have diarrhea.”
— Norm Macdonald Live
2. “I never liked the phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ What if it’s a book called ‘How to Skin a Puppy’ with a picture of a guy skinning a puppy?”
— Norm Macdonald Has a Show
3. “I once walked in on my parents dong it. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.”
– Norm Macdonald Live
4. “They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. But if the horse is dehydrated enough, he’ll probably figure it out.”
– "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011
5. “When I hear a guy went to rehab, I go, ‘Rehab? He’s just going to quit?’”
— "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011
6. “They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.”
Weekend Update, SNL
7. “OJ Simpson was in court this week. The defense played the ‘race card,’ while the prosecution countered with the ‘murder card.’”
– Weekend Update, SNL
8. “ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for I, and D is short for dentification.”
— "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011
9. “OJ is writing a book. It’s called, ‘If I Did It, Here's How I Would’ve Done It.' That’s like Hitler writing, ‘If I Invaded Poland…’”
— Weekend Update, SNL
10. "On 9/11 I walked through blood and bone in the streets of Manhattan trying to find my brother. He was in Northern Canada."
- Norm MacDonald Live
11. “I saw a sign that said, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ And I thought, ‘That’s a little harsh for a funeral home.’”
– "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011
12. “You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.”
— Norm Macdonald Live
13. “I don’t believe in astrology, but I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
- Norm on Conan
14. “I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade. I could use a new watch.’”
- Norm MacDonald: Nothing Special
15. “O.J. Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’”
– Weekend Update, SNL

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15 Norm Macdonald Highlights & Best Jokes

1. “Laughter is the best medicine — unless you have diarrhea.”
— Norm Macdonald Live

2. “I never liked the phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ What if it’s a book called ‘How to Skin a Puppy’ with a picture of a guy skinning a puppy?”
— Norm Macdonald Has a Show

3. “I once walked in on my parents dong it. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.”
– Norm Macdonald Live

4. “They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. But if the horse is dehydrated enough, he’ll probably figure it out.”
– "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

5. “When I hear a guy went to rehab, I go, ‘Rehab? He’s just going to quit?’”
— "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

6. “They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.”
Weekend Update, SNL

7. “OJ Simpson was in court this week. The defense played the ‘race card,’ while the prosecution countered with the ‘murder card.’”
– Weekend Update, SNL

8. “ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for I, and D is short for dentification.”
— "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

9. “OJ is writing a book. It’s called, ‘If I Did It, Here's How I Would’ve Done It.' That’s like Hitler writing, ‘If I Invaded Poland…’”
— Weekend Update, SNL

10. "On 9/11 I walked through blood and bone in the streets of Manhattan trying to find my brother. He was in Northern Canada."
- Norm MacDonald Live

11. “I saw a sign that said, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ And I thought, ‘That’s a little harsh for a funeral home.’”
– "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

12. “You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.”
— Norm Macdonald Live

13. “I don’t believe in astrology, but I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
- Norm on Conan

14. “I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade. I could use a new watch.’”
- Norm MacDonald: Nothing Special

15. “O.J. Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’”
– Weekend Update, SNL

1. “Laughter is the best medicine — unless you have diarrhea.”

2. “I never liked the phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ What if it’s a book called ‘How to Skin a Puppy’ with a picture of a guy skinning a puppy?”

3. “I once walked in on my parents dong it. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.”

4. “They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. But if the horse is dehydrated enough, he’ll probably figure it out.”

5. “When I hear a guy went to rehab, I go, ‘Rehab? He’s just going to quit?’”

6. “They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.”

7. “OJ Simpson was in court this week. The defense played the ‘race card,’ while the prosecution countered with the ‘murder card.’”

8. “ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for I, and D is short for dentification.”

9. “OJ is writing a book. It’s called, ‘If I Did It, Here's How I Would’ve Done It.' That’s like Hitler writing, ‘If I Invaded Poland…’”

10. "On 9/11 I walked through blood and bone in the streets of Manhattan trying to find my brother. He was in Northern Canada."

11. “I saw a sign that said, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ And I thought, ‘That’s a little harsh for a funeral home.’”

12. “You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.”

13. “I don’t believe in astrology, but I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

14. “I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade. I could use a new watch.’”

15. “O.J. Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’”

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eBaum's Picks

1. “Laughter is the best medicine — unless you have diarrhea.” — Norm Macdonald Live

2. “I never liked the phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ What if it’s a book called ‘How to Skin a Puppy’ with a picture of a guy skinning a puppy?” — Norm Macdonald Has a Show

3. “I once walked in on my parents dong it. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.” – Norm Macdonald Live

4. “They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. But if the horse is dehydrated enough, he’ll probably figure it out.” – "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

5. “When I hear a guy went to rehab, I go, ‘Rehab? He’s just going to quit?’” — "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

6. “They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.” Weekend Update, SNL

7. “OJ Simpson was in court this week. The defense played the ‘race card,’ while the prosecution countered with the ‘murder card.’” – Weekend Update, SNL

8. “ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for I, and D is short for dentification.” — "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

9. “OJ is writing a book. It’s called, ‘If I Did It, Here's How I Would’ve Done It.' That’s like Hitler writing, ‘If I Invaded Poland…’” — Weekend Update, SNL

10. "On 9/11 I walked through blood and bone in the streets of Manhattan trying to find my brother. He was in Northern Canada." - Norm MacDonald Live

11. “I saw a sign that said, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ And I thought, ‘That’s a little harsh for a funeral home.’” – "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

12. “You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.” — Norm Macdonald Live

13. “I don’t believe in astrology, but I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” - Norm on Conan

14. “I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade. I could use a new watch.’” - Norm MacDonald: Nothing Special

15. “O.J. Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’” – Weekend Update, SNL

1. “Laughter is the best medicine — unless you have diarrhea.”

2. “I never liked the phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ What if it’s a book called ‘How to Skin a Puppy’ with a picture of a guy skinning a puppy?”

3. “I once walked in on my parents dong it. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.”

4. “They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. But if the horse is dehydrated enough, he’ll probably figure it out.”

5. “When I hear a guy went to rehab, I go, ‘Rehab? He’s just going to quit?’”

6. “They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.”

7. “OJ Simpson was in court this week. The defense played the ‘race card,’ while the prosecution countered with the ‘murder card.’”

8. “ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for I, and D is short for dentification.”

9. “OJ is writing a book. It’s called, ‘If I Did It, Here's How I Would’ve Done It.' That’s like Hitler writing, ‘If I Invaded Poland…’”

10. "On 9/11 I walked through blood and bone in the streets of Manhattan trying to find my brother. He was in Northern Canada."

11. “I saw a sign that said, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ And I thought, ‘That’s a little harsh for a funeral home.’”

12. “You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.”

13. “I don’t believe in astrology, but I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

14. “I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade. I could use a new watch.’”

15. “O.J. Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’”

Share This Image

0 Comments

eBaum's Picks

1. “Laughter is the best medicine — unless you have diarrhea.”
— Norm Macdonald Live

2. “I never liked the phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ What if it’s a book called ‘How to Skin a Puppy’ with a picture of a guy skinning a puppy?”
— Norm Macdonald Has a Show

3. “I once walked in on my parents dong it. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.”
– Norm Macdonald Live

4. “They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. But if the horse is dehydrated enough, he’ll probably figure it out.”
– "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

5. “When I hear a guy went to rehab, I go, ‘Rehab? He’s just going to quit?’”
— "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

6. “They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.”
Weekend Update, SNL

7. “OJ Simpson was in court this week. The defense played the ‘race card,’ while the prosecution countered with the ‘murder card.’”
– Weekend Update, SNL

8. “ID is a strange abbreviation. I is short for I, and D is short for dentification.”
— "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

9. “OJ is writing a book. It’s called, ‘If I Did It, Here's How I Would’ve Done It.' That’s like Hitler writing, ‘If I Invaded Poland…’”
— Weekend Update, SNL

10. "On 9/11 I walked through blood and bone in the streets of Manhattan trying to find my brother. He was in Northern Canada."
- Norm MacDonald Live

11. “I saw a sign that said, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ And I thought, ‘That’s a little harsh for a funeral home.’”
– "Me Doing Standup" special, 2011

12. “You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.”
— Norm Macdonald Live

13. “I don’t believe in astrology, but I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
- Norm on Conan

14. “I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade. I could use a new watch.’”
- Norm MacDonald: Nothing Special

15. “O.J. Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’”
– Weekend Update, SNL