20 Vintage Comedians and Their Jokes That’ll Live Forever
Neill Lynskey
Published
16 hours ago
in
Funny
Comedy and humor sensibilities change a lot over the time, but some jokes are undeniably timeless.
Comedians are wordsmiths dedicated to going over the line, showing us the absurdity of life, or just saying something so stupid we have no choice but to laugh. From the absurdity of George Burns and Steven Wright to the cutting satire of George Carlin and Lenny Bruce, comedy club stages have brought something for everyone over the decades. But yes - before 1965, most comedians just talked about how much they hated their wives.
Here are some classic comedians and their one-liners that have barely aged a day.
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1. “I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up—they have no holidays.”
— Henny Youngman -
2. “I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.”
— Robert Benchley -
3. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
— Buddy Hackett -
4. “If it weren’t for electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”
— George Gobel -
5. “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”
— Steven Wright -
6. “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
— Phyllis Diller -
7. “You know you're getting old when you bend over to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.”
— George Burns -
8. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
— Jerry Seinfeld -
9. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.”
— Tommy Cooper -
10. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
— Mitch Hedberg -
11. “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
— Les Dawson -
12. “If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.”
― Lenny Bruce -
13. “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of the black box?”
— George Carlin -
14. “My husband and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
— Joan Rivers -
15. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
— Dom DeLuise -
16. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life—unless I buy something.”
— Jackie Mason -
17. “My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
— Rodney Dangerfield -
18. “They say never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is, on occasion, hilarious.”
— Robin Williams -
19. “I once asked a book publisher how many books he sold. He said, ‘All of them.’”
— Milton Berle -
20. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
— A. Whitney Brown
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“I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up—they have no holidays.”
— Henny Youngman
— Henny Youngman
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